if only i could get time back

as well as my research ended last week, i got a horrible start today. i began thinking about how to proceed to the next phase of my work, and then i thought about additional functionality to implement and test before moving on. needless to say, these minor additions that i made would not work properly. i did find the problem though...........4 HOURS later. let's hope tomorrow goes better than today.

end of a good week

after a slow start, i got a lot done this week. i do need to sit down and finish my first year report and thesis proposal before i get too wrapped up in my work here. my program is coming along fine. i just need some advice next week on the best way/how to implement some TCP socket communication. i'm off to play basketball.

brainwashed

on my path to social and racial enlightenment, i have dedicated myself to reversing the brainwashing caused by society and many american institutions. it is not until you really take the time to and think about all of the unconscious thoughts/judgments and perceptions that we have, that you can understand how society (rather, the powers that be) has forced his way upon us and into our subconscious (the most dangerous and powerful may i add) minds. i had one of these judgments slip out while at lunch today and quickly caught myself. i felt so ignorant and was disappointed in myself for not being able to control what came out of my mouth at that very instance. i guess that means i need to work harder.

on a lighter note, my research is crystallizing, and i have made some good progress these last two days. my program is coming along and the plan for tomorrow is to increase functionality. tomorrow is filled yet again with uncharted programming paths, but i am up for the challenge.

p.s. - the US gives up control of the web.....who would have thought?

the journey begins

i started writing the program that will be the base for the rest of my research here at berkeley (assuming that my research does not change....*fingers crossed*). this is by far, the largest project i have ever undertaken. granted, my thesis work will require much more work (or else it would not be called a thesis.......duh anthony), but up to now, i have not written such a large application on my own. this morning went really well, and i made a lot of progress, but this afternoon, i spent about 3 hours modifying my initial program for more scalable uses. don't tell anybody, but these changes should have taken all of 5-10 minutes depending on how fast i typed. anyway, it was a great learning opportunity for me to brush up on my c programming (i just wish that i would have remembered more). one good thing i am proud of myself for was that i did not ask anyone. between my memory and the glorious internet, i figured it out. you gotta love it.

still waiting for the starting gun

i should be ashamed of myself for being so lazy today. i played ball last night, showered, ate (not like i should have), and got in bed at a decent hour. SO.................why was/am i moving in slow motion today. i had absolutely no motivation. granted, i did make some progress, but for the amount of time i was at work, i should have completed more.

i would ask to start this day over, but between knowing how unproductive today would be and how tired i was when i woke up, i would just stay in the bed later and work from home.

i wrote an entry on february 24, 2006 with these feelings in mind

the loud cries of silence

every time that i think that my research is about to start, i speak to someone and all my ideas seem to get turned on their head. granted, this feeling is not new. i dealt with this for the last 9 months as i got adjusted to life as a phd student and a researcher. i try and keep fighting, but the process requires a lot of "idle" time (or it may seem idle to the world). i say idle because i am not doing anything with my hands, but my mind is running a million miles an hour. the only bad part is that when i think this intensely, i tend to think about other, serious, topics that may have nothing to do with my research. these topics are extremely important to me, but they can take away from my work. especially, when emotions get involved.

i have been questioning my motivation lately, as it has been VERY shaky. i know i need to buckle down and focus, but it is difficult at times. the fact that i am still "lost" in trying to define my research only kills my motivation more. BUT, i find comfort in the words of one of my high school coaches........"if it was easy, everyone would be doing it." anyone that knows me, knows that i live on the road less traveled. so, why does this seem so new to me? maybe because the environment and the type of education is totally new. i don't know.

in life, we ALWAYS have choices. quitting is not a choice for me; neither was it for martin, malcolm, nelson, nor for michael jordan.

nobody said it would be easy

i am finally getting some idea of what i will be working on here at berkeley. i still need to talk to a few more people and get a better understanding of what is wanted/needed. the good thing about the work is that it will be beneficial to my own research and to the RAMP group here. also, i will be working in an area that is new to me, but i will have the guidance here that i will need to get through it. it's looking good right now.

you never know whose watching

they say your character is demonstrated during those times when no one is watching.....or at least when you think no one is. and it is these impressions that stay at the from of the minds of those watching you. BUT, how does prejudice affect one's perception of right/truth?

sometimes.......who am i kidding.......a lot of times i forget where i am in my life. i tend to focus on where i want to be/what i don't have now instead of being thankful where i am. things haven't been all good, but definitely a lot more good than bad. i often wonder how others see me. what impression do i give? am i one of those special individuals that have distinguishable characteristics that people remember? what does the person think (how do they view me and my character and me as a person) that sees me in those times when i think no one is watching?

i started this blog as a means of telling the story of the many emotions and situations that one goes through as a graduate student; however, i know that i have done more complaining than telling. my apologies for this. i am definitely working on that, but it is going to take more maturity on my part. i promised myself that i would keep this blog semi-professional and pertaining to my research (without being too nerdy) seeing that is is on my school webpage, and i never know who may be reading this. it turns out that i have more readers than i thought (thanks).

sorry for the disconnect in this entry. i have been rather scatter-brained lately. (also, as i was getting ready to submit this post, i deleted it by accident.....i tried to recreate it, but in my extreme frustration, it is slightly different from the original.)

p.s. - for those that grew up in love with mario brothers as i did

therapy in talking

i am filled with so many emotions (school-related and personal) at the moment, and i really am at a confused stage in my life. in the midst of all this, i am having to seriously focus on my research (whatever that is) here at berkeley. luckily, everyone has been awesome. i cannot seem to put my finger on what exactly has me so preoccupied mentally, but i am confident that it is a number of things. the one fact that has been at the front of my mind persistently lately is the fact that i want to be finished with school and be a real adult. being a broke student is not fun and it has gotten super old (bay area tribute). anyway, i will not go into all the things floating around in the abyss that i call my mind.

the important point that i wanted to make was that i got a chance to sit down at starbucks with one of my best friends and fraternity brothers, pierce minor, and we talked for about an hour and a half about all kinds of stuff-life, relationships, people, america's racial and social climate, and the list goes on. what started out as a meaningless conversation over coffee turned into a therapy session for the both of us. this post seems directionless to me.......sorry..........i just felt that this was the right thing to write.

thanks for being an awesome friend pierce.

first day on the job

my first day here at berkeley went rather smoothly. i got all of the administrative stuff taken care of this morning and then began my quest of defining my work for my time here. i talked to a few students and some researchers about "what i want to do here," and i have some more meetings throughout the rest of the week to help firm up some work for me. i am really excited about being here. there are MANY opportunities for me to learn a great deal. the work will be challenging and fruitful. i am feeling a bit overwhelmed again, but i am sure that is because of the new environment again. time to hit the ground running. here goes nothing........

uc berkeley, here i come

it's so wonderful to be back home and be with all my friends and family. i have only been home for about 3 weeks, but it seems like forever, and my time in cambridge is like a faint dream. it's REALLY weird. anyway, i leave for berkeley thursday, and i have been procrastinating on doing the reading that i need to before i arrive. i have done a good bit in cambridge, but i need to refresh my memory. i am really hoping the experience will be beneficial and interesting at the same time.

i have worked a little on my first-year report since being back home, however, i have not gotten as far as i planned to be at this point. i think that is what i will do today, work on my report and do the RAMP reading for berkeley.

meanwhile, back in the us, i am enjoying 500 mL cans of soda, large portions of food and drink at fast food joints, and all of the other large-scale american amenitites we enjoy everyday. how i missed home.