the loud cries of silence

every time that i think that my research is about to start, i speak to someone and all my ideas seem to get turned on their head. granted, this feeling is not new. i dealt with this for the last 9 months as i got adjusted to life as a phd student and a researcher. i try and keep fighting, but the process requires a lot of "idle" time (or it may seem idle to the world). i say idle because i am not doing anything with my hands, but my mind is running a million miles an hour. the only bad part is that when i think this intensely, i tend to think about other, serious, topics that may have nothing to do with my research. these topics are extremely important to me, but they can take away from my work. especially, when emotions get involved.

i have been questioning my motivation lately, as it has been VERY shaky. i know i need to buckle down and focus, but it is difficult at times. the fact that i am still "lost" in trying to define my research only kills my motivation more. BUT, i find comfort in the words of one of my high school coaches........"if it was easy, everyone would be doing it." anyone that knows me, knows that i live on the road less traveled. so, why does this seem so new to me? maybe because the environment and the type of education is totally new. i don't know.

in life, we ALWAYS have choices. quitting is not a choice for me; neither was it for martin, malcolm, nelson, nor for michael jordan.