continuing to press on

i'm not exactly sure how i have managed to keep going these past few days (probably weeks), but somehow, i have managed to force myself to continue trying to make things happen in spite of not really being motivated. i guess going through the motions is better than nothing. looking back, i have made an amazing amount of progress with my mind not really being focused on what i needed to be doing. i wonder how much more i can get done once my brain actually decides to join me at work. that would be nice!!!

i need a break........so..............i am going to portugal for the weekend. be back monday

when there is nothing else to do..........WORK

i do not think i could have been more pessimistic this morning without simply going to the airport, buying the first, one-way ticket from london to atlanta no matter the prices, and not returning until i felt like it. needless to say, i did not choose that option, but i contemplated it the entire walk to work this morning. oddly enough, today has been the most productive day i have had since i have been back to the uk. i mean hey...why not bust your hump on a hump day??? on the way to work this morning, i had already decided that i was going to leave early simply because there is not much i can do as far as running any experiments. the only other option has been writing. i had some good thoughts that i was able to get down on paper, and i took the opportunity to get my references thus far together and do a nice little annotated bibliography for ease of insertion once the data starts coming in and the paper begins to come together more. now that that's done.....i'm leaving. 5.5 solid hours of work. no lunch break. i'm pleased. i do not have any plans of coming in tomorrow or friday. i'm going to london for thanksgiving and staying the entire weekend. be back monday unless i feel the need to work tomorrow morning.

doing as much as i can

things are still really slow at the moment, but i am trying to stay as motivated as possible while i wait. i wish i at least had some worthy thoughts to blog about. sorry about that. i am trying to get back into a creative state of mind.

just going through the motions

the last few days have been ordinary at best. i have not been motivated, and it has taken everything i had to even get out of bed and come into the lab. however, i have been semi-productive during this time. i have definitely not been as productive as i need to be, but i am being as productive as possible (this is probably an overstating of the facts) while i wait on some purchases to go through and arrive. my thoughts seem to be filled with my trip back home for the holidays. i have been very unhappy here in the uk since i have gotten back. the sad part is that i do not see this feeling getting any better. it's definitely time to put my research into overdrive so i can get out of here. i think the countdown has begun before i just cannot take being here anymore. i need to start traveling more as well. this gives a nice break on the weekends that helps me deal with being away from home.

another dull and unproductive day

not much to report. the dark cloud blocking all creative and inspirational thought is ever present .let's hope i can finish the week on a good note.

help with our vision

we all find those moments when we sit back and question where in the world we are headed. whether it be career-wise, life-focused, or both, it's always comforting to tap the resources of the more experienced and wiser population that surrounds us. just simply verbalizing one's concerns to another can be enough to remove the cloud in the brain preventing those eureeka thoughts from getting where they need to go. that pursuit of understanding and direction in life constantly brings this feeling back around. i guess this is where we gain our own life experience to share with others less experienced than ourselves.

what has been bugging me for a couple of days now is the question: what makes "our" vision truly ours then if this is the process? can we rightly claim ownership? at what point can we feel confident that what we think is "ours" truly is? and not simply us drawing the picture someone else has described to us.

leaving your mark

this has been the motivation for me since i can remember, and after a kind message from a long-time friend today, i realized that i may be losing sight of this goal. i wish it was as easy as turning the lights on and off, but regaining this focus will be a process that i hope to complete before too long. heck, i hope to finish my degree before too long. so, i guess the race is on. i was operating under the pretense that the two were mutually exclusive, and they are not. they are one and the same, and i have seriously been lacking the making of a mark the last few weeks. time to re-focus and press on in the face of adversity.

things are coming together

much slower than i had hoped for, but things are finally beginning to come together with my work. i am currently doing some preliminary tests and characterizations that i am hoping will lead to some pretty awesome publicationS (with emphasis on plural) in the spring. it all starts right now though. this phase is crucial in guaranteeing that i am not barking up the wrong tree and that my analysis is thorough and complete. this is where the whole "doing things right the first time" comes in. the sooner i get it right, the faster i can finish my degree.


p.s. - i just sit and wonder what the military recruiter are telling high school kids these days. who in there right mind would want to sign up for the armed forces with such negative (and warranted) publicity lately. read this

i really wanted an awesome blog post today

i think the title says it all. it just wasn't meant to be i guess. i cannot seem to think of any continuous thoughts, so i have simply committed the numerous one-liners i came up with to my moleskine journal i have started to keep. better luck tomorrow and the rest of the week i hope.

heeding one's own advice

it's times like this that it is really hard to take a step back and hear the advice that you have used to encourage others that were feeling discouraged. it's so easy to get caught up in the situation and forget to motivate oneself just as you do others. i am not fully motivated yet, but i am trying to get back there. it was really tough for a few days there, but i think (hope) i am back on the right track. obviously, research progress is not totally independent of this feeling and does play a major role in my overall demeanor. i am doing everything that i can to keep my research moving in the right direction.

with that said, i am calling it an early day.....lol!!!!! but honestly, i really do not have anything else to do today, because i am waiting on some necessary information for me to continue.

p.s. - online tracking, see.....this is why i have my cookies disabled.

fighting through the unexpected

after almost repeating the productivity i experienced yesterday, this afternoon sputtered to a halt due to unexpected computer issues. without going into the details, i wound up wasting like 2 hours this afternoon and missing the meeting i anticipated since about 11 this morning. i guess i can use this weekend to look over my notes for the meeting and prepare for a presentation modnay.

is it 'usa' or just 'sa': was america ever united?

i have not addressed the recent onslaught of open and blatant racism in america, but the straw has broken the camel's back. this is absolutely ridiculous and totally unacceptable. there is no other side. there is no explanation. if you don't agree that enough is enough, then it's time for you to re-evaluate you. you cannot have any sense of empathy or justice if you feel that things have not gone over the top.

that said, the american government and leadership has made it onto my ish list too because they have done nothing but go through the motions to make it look like they give a crap. this is no surprise. the government could really care less about african-americans, and anybody of color for that matter. just think back to hurricane katrina. i felt such pleasure when kanye west said that "george bush does not care about black people" on LIVE television. (sidebar: i felt horrible when he apologized for it though. he lost a lot of my respect for that one. everybody can be bought though) he doesn't care and neither does the rest of the government. the fact that hundreds of heads haven't rolled since all this nonsense started is sickening. if you are white in american, you can do no wrong (as long as it is not to another white person)!!! i guess we have to change the way we are teaching our youth (that is, youth of color): america is not fair, and this is how you operate in a society that cares nothing about you unless you are of a certain tax bracket, and even then, you are just, in the best of circumstances, a black dollar sign.

thinking back to my childhood, i can remember having to learn some of these hard lessons from my parents, extended families' stories about the kkk and racism in the 60s and 70s, friends, and just growing up in the south. i just shake my head that all this is still going on in 2007. it's unreal.

knowing all of this, what can we as a people do? where do we start? how do we get organized? everyday is a constant grind and having to deal with so much more than work and school everyday is exhausting. i think back to the phrase, "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." i offer this post as a challenge to all of my friends and family (and other faithful readers) out there to begin an effort to consciously think about ways of effecting change, making a plan, and executing said plan. the going has been tough for as long as we know, and it is just getting tougher as america has turned her back on us. what will you do in response? my senior year in high school, just before we played our cross-town rival in football, our head coach's last words were: "if you can't get pumped up for this one, then you have a whole in your tire"!!! is your tire flat?

i write all this as kanye west blasts in my headphones at work........."wait 'til i get my money right, then you can't tell me nothing."

so motivated right now. it's gametime!!!

p.s. - read this article first for background / then read this article