i think i figured it out...

i have been doing a bit of thinking lately, and i think i know why i feel so strained and exhausted her. *drum roll* i have not been able to be myself. if u think playing the "corporate" role for 8 hours a day is hard, try playing it all day everyday. it seems that i have been stuck in this character since i have gotten here. it DEFINITELY has not been by choice, but for the mere sake of the communication barrier between myself and everyone here. there is no way that i could communicate to people here like i do with my friends. i do not believe that it has anything to do with the fact that i am in a different country, but i feel that it is more of an issue of "exposure." here we go.....walk with me a bit...it seems that most of the students here are not from urban environments (or anything that slightly resembles an urban environment) and are totally disconnected from any sort of urban culture or urban awareness (strike 1). also, a majority of the people i have come into contact with are living in an "academic" bubble. what does that mean? people really don't listen to u but just wait till its their turn to talk so they can impress you with how smart they are, how they saved the world during their "gap year" (once u finish high school, you take the year off and typically go to another country before starting college), how they have so much work to and are ALWAYS busy (meanwhile, they don't have exams until april/may and assigned work is OPTIONAL), etc (i could go on for days but u get the picture-----strike 2). and (strike 3) the only social activity that most people seem to have is going to the pub. what's wrong with this? ok so you have strike 1 against you. so you have to force conversation which probably winds up being about school and you find yourself in the strike 2 category. after a bit of this "fake" conversation, you realize what you are doing and you just feel like leaving......hence ending communication (if you are not in the same place with other people, then you can't communicate with them).

i keep looking at myself to see if i am giving a fair and accurate assessment, but i have honestly tried. people here (cambridge) just like different things. i am confident that it is not just me because the few people that i can communicate with have felt the same way and see what i have just described (or tried my best to describe). i just want to be myself. *HUGE sigh of relief*

thanks for listening