bottom of the totem pole

shifting gears with my research has been more punishment than i initially envisioned. for starters, figuring out which way to go took a bit longer than i anticipated. making the decision between a couple of really good alternatives has me held up at the moment. i need to crunch some numbers before i make the decision, but to crunch the numbers, i need to develop a simulator to run some preliminary tests. how fn stupid does that sound!!! (yes, it's been a VERY frustrating day....sorry) developing this simulator has been the bane of my existence for the past 48 hours. what i thought i knew, turned out to be totally WRONG. got some help and advice....that turned out to be totally WRONG. this is what i get for trying to take the easy way out. THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS.....EVER!!! this has been my mantra for the longest, but i guess i got ahead of myself. so much for getting things rolling as soon as i thought i would. to make matters worse, all i can seem to think about is the short amount of time i have to get this work done before the deadline. i have wasted SO much time. i've got to get it together.

added on top of this is the fact that i absolutely hate not understanding things. so my competitive nature has put me farther behind due to the fact i just have to understand EVERYTHING, even if it does not matter in getting things accomplished. put it this way, i am killing myself at the moment to understand some code that took a lot of people a lot of time to perfect. i am trying to duplicate the understanding and the work in a day. how crazy does that sound. i just need to forget everything, clear my mind, and start fresh tomorrow.

--"it's hard, but it's fair"